March 1 thoughts

Warning- this is not a warm and fuzzy post, and has some strong language at the end.

Today is March 1, 2019. I haven’t written here in a couple months.  Things have been going well with my treatments so I haven’t really had a whole lot to write home about.  I probably should’ve tried to keep writing because it helps me process things.  It helps me sort through my feelings.  I thought I was doing pretty well mentally/emotionally but the last week has been tough.  I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my diagnos-iversary is coming up, or if it’s that my treatment is almost done, but I’ve had these negative feelings come up.  The best way I can describe them is that I’ve been pissed off at the world.

I don’t remember the exact day I found the lump in my breast but it was at the end of February last year.  March 1, 2018 was the official start of this journey— it was the day I had a doctors appointment with my regular doctor.  I’m not sure if I said this before, but I wasn’t really worried.  I thought she’d end up saying it was nothing to worry about.  But she didn’t.  She wanted me to get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound as soon as possible.  It was about time for my regular annual mammogram anyway so I was okay with that.

Those that know me well know that I’m a worrywart and an over-thinker.  I think back to last year and wonder why I wasn’t more worried.  Not that it would’ve done any good to be worried and stressed.

It took a few days to get in for the mammogram and ultrasound, which ended up being on March 6.  The mammogram was first then the ultrasound.  At the end of the appointment, the radiologist came in and said we needed to do a biopsy because they saw something suspicious in the lymph nodes, in addition to the breast lump.  That’s when I knew.  That’s when I got worried.

March 16, 2018 was the day I got the official word that it was breast cancer.

I’m sitting here at the oncology center waiting to start infusion #10 of 13.  These infusions are easy— no real side effects.  And according to my oncologist the two meds in the infusion, Herceptin and Perjeta, are wonder drugs.  Hope he’s right.

Back to how I’ve been feeling... I feel like I have kept a positive attitude throughout the past year.  It’s actually made it easier to get through things to stay positive, but it’s like it’s changed lately.  I go through periods of time where I’m really fucking pissed.  It’s not even that I’m pissed I got cancer or that I had to go through over a year of treatments and surgery.  I’m really fucking pissed that I truly believe there’s a cure for cancer out there, but the big pharmaceutical companies make way too much money from these chemo drugs to allow a cure “out of the bag.”

I consider myself a strong woman.  And I have a positive attitude about the future.  I’m doing what I can to keep this cancer from coming back.  Sometimes it feels like I have to battle against big pharma because they make more money when there’s more cancer in this world.

In the last month, I’ve been connected with two other ladies (friends of friends) that have been diagnosed with BC.  It’s becoming more prevalent and it makes me angry that there’s probably a cure out there.  I wish there was something we could do.

I should’ve written this post awhile ago because writing always makes me feel better.