2019

This year, and 2018, have had some very big challenges for my family.  Not everything was bad, but there's a lot of things we've been through that I would prefer never to go through again.  However, I'm pretty happy with where my life is at this point.

From my Facebook page...

I’m sure I’m not the only one who is reflecting on 2019 as it comes to a close...

1. First of all, 2019 was definitely better than 2018 in the health area. I finished up my cancer treatment in May of this year. It really feels like so long ago. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it really happened. I’m thankful everyday for modern medicine, my body’s ability to go through what I did, and that I was one year cancer-free on August 8. 😄

2. Andy and I made some changes to our ranch business this year. It was definitely a tough decision but I believe we did what’s best for our family. It’s nice having all of our ranch operation closer to home. 🐮

3. One of this year’s highlights is the closeness that I’ve developed with Abigail. I took a couple trips to San Luis Obispo to spend time with her and they were really great. I’m very grateful to have this amazing relationship. 🥰

4. J.T. getting his drivers license this fall has been so freeing for me. That might sound strange but it’s given me more flexibility with my schedule. I do miss chatting with him on the way to and from school, though. However, being able to drive has really helped Andy on the ranch. 🚜

5. My dad and I have tried to go to breakfast periodically this year. It’s been great to reconnect and talk about everything under the sun. Hope to do it more often in 2020. 🍳

6. My mom, my sister Mary, my cousin Alison, my Auntie Barb, and I met up in Calistoga for a girls’ food and wine trip in May. This was a celebration trip after all my treatments, but it was also a great bonding trip for my mom and I on the drive down. 🍷

7. Last but not least, I absolutely love my career path. I love going to the office everyday; I love my awesome team, and trying to help them grow, succeed, and be happy; I love being part of the Fortuna small-business community; and I love trying to make my business the best it can be. 🏡

Bring it on 2020– I know it will be awesome!

Mothers Day

One of Abigail's gifts to me was this amazing tattoo.  The "<3 Mom" is my handwriting that she brought to the tattoo place to be put on. It meant so much to me that she did that. 

Celebration Dinner

Our celebration dinner out...  who knows where we are?

DONE-DONE-DONE

I can't believe it- I'm finally done with chemo.  It's been much easier these past few months, then at the start, but you have no idea how happy I am to be done!  For "fun", here's a picture from my first chemo to today:

I had a great crew with me today to watch me ring the bell...  it meant a lot to have most of my favorite people there.

These two weren't able to be there, but at least they were together...  (at an FFA event at Cal Poly)

I can't even put into words how it feels to be done.  This last 14 months has been surreal... almost like it didn't really happen.

And here's the bell ringing we've all been waiting for...

I didn't really notice it until I watched this video, but look at the smile on my face!  So happy to be done.

And Sandi brought be flowers... <3

My friend Sara caught this sweet moment between Andy and I afterwards.

Thank you everyone who kept up on my journey.  I so appreciate it and I hope that this blog can help other people going forward.

March 1 thoughts

Warning- this is not a warm and fuzzy post, and has some strong language at the end.

Today is March 1, 2019. I haven’t written here in a couple months.  Things have been going well with my treatments so I haven’t really had a whole lot to write home about.  I probably should’ve tried to keep writing because it helps me process things.  It helps me sort through my feelings.  I thought I was doing pretty well mentally/emotionally but the last week has been tough.  I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my diagnos-iversary is coming up, or if it’s that my treatment is almost done, but I’ve had these negative feelings come up.  The best way I can describe them is that I’ve been pissed off at the world.

I don’t remember the exact day I found the lump in my breast but it was at the end of February last year.  March 1, 2018 was the official start of this journey— it was the day I had a doctors appointment with my regular doctor.  I’m not sure if I said this before, but I wasn’t really worried.  I thought she’d end up saying it was nothing to worry about.  But she didn’t.  She wanted me to get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound as soon as possible.  It was about time for my regular annual mammogram anyway so I was okay with that.

Those that know me well know that I’m a worrywart and an over-thinker.  I think back to last year and wonder why I wasn’t more worried.  Not that it would’ve done any good to be worried and stressed.

It took a few days to get in for the mammogram and ultrasound, which ended up being on March 6.  The mammogram was first then the ultrasound.  At the end of the appointment, the radiologist came in and said we needed to do a biopsy because they saw something suspicious in the lymph nodes, in addition to the breast lump.  That’s when I knew.  That’s when I got worried.

March 16, 2018 was the day I got the official word that it was breast cancer.

I’m sitting here at the oncology center waiting to start infusion #10 of 13.  These infusions are easy— no real side effects.  And according to my oncologist the two meds in the infusion, Herceptin and Perjeta, are wonder drugs.  Hope he’s right.

Back to how I’ve been feeling... I feel like I have kept a positive attitude throughout the past year.  It’s actually made it easier to get through things to stay positive, but it’s like it’s changed lately.  I go through periods of time where I’m really fucking pissed.  It’s not even that I’m pissed I got cancer or that I had to go through over a year of treatments and surgery.  I’m really fucking pissed that I truly believe there’s a cure for cancer out there, but the big pharmaceutical companies make way too much money from these chemo drugs to allow a cure “out of the bag.”

I consider myself a strong woman.  And I have a positive attitude about the future.  I’m doing what I can to keep this cancer from coming back.  Sometimes it feels like I have to battle against big pharma because they make more money when there’s more cancer in this world.

In the last month, I’ve been connected with two other ladies (friends of friends) that have been diagnosed with BC.  It’s becoming more prevalent and it makes me angry that there’s probably a cure out there.  I wish there was something we could do.

I should’ve written this post awhile ago because writing always makes me feel better.

Done with 2018... onto 2019!

It's hard to believe it's the last day of 2018.  I can't ever remember a time when I've had such love-hate feelings about a particular year.  In other words, I have loved some of the things that have happened in 2018 and I've hated others.  It won't come as a shock that my most negative feelings about 2018 are related to my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.  Even though my treatments aren't quite done yet, I'm over the tough part.  But I still hate that breast cancer was part of 2018 for my family.

However, there were so many amazing, positive things that came after my diagnosis and during my treatment.  I will never say that I'm glad that I got breast cancer, but I feel so incredibly grateful for the wonderful people in my life and the support that I received over the year.  My bestie got a tattoo with me.  My husband and kids took really good care of me.  I connected with some other cancer survivors who have since become friends.  Friends and family members sent gifts, meals, cards, and well wishes.  There was one other thing that happened during this time.  I realized how tough I am.  Maybe I knew it all along... but this journey made me look back and say, yes, I am a warrior!

On that positive note, some of the other positive things that happened in 2018 were:  I bought Six Rivers Property Management and I love being part of the amazing team of ladies; J.T. graduated from 8th grade; Abigail graduated from high school and started at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo; and Andy and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in October.

I will leave you with my family's Christmas card... Happy New Year everyone!

December update

I didn’t realize it had been two months since I’d updated my journey here.  I finished radiation on October 30.  My skin handled it pretty well, but I was definitely glad to be done.  It took a couple weeks to get rid of the discomfort and pain.  Since that time, I’ve had every 3 week oncology doctor appointments followed by Herceptin and Perjeta infusions (a.k.a. chemo light).  I have to do 13 of them and should be done in early May 2019.

I ended up losing 30-40% of my hair- good thing I had a lot to begin with. But to most people, you probably can’t tell that I lost so much hair.  I’m so glad I did the cold caps.  I highly recommend it.  I’m getting plenty of regrowth so there’s little curly hairs coming in underneath.

Right now, as we speak, I’m getting Infusion #7 of 13... so over halfway done!

Update

I've haven't written much about radiation because it's been so repetitive for me.  I currently have 2 treatments left.  I am so ready to be done.  The actual treatments aren't too bad but I am definitely tired of driving to Eureka (1 hour round trip) everyday.  The side effects haven't been too bad.  Some people said I'd get pretty exhausted but I didn't really experience that.

During radiation, I've also had 2 Herceptin/Perjeta infusions (chemo light) so I have 9 left to go.  I should finish up in early May 2019.  The infusions are pretty easy.  I take my laptop and they go pretty quickly.... about 2 hours.

After radiation is complete, I will be on a hormone blocker for 10 years.  I have an appointment at UCSF for a second opinion to make sure I am on the right one for me.

That's about all I have for now...

This guy

This past Wednesday, October 24, Andy and I celebrated our 20th anniversary.  On one hand, it seems like a longggg time ago since we were married back on a rainy day in 1998.  But on the other hand, time has flown by.  As expected, we've had our ups and downs.  Our good times and bad.  We've been lucky up until this March to have good health.  Since I found the lump and got my diagnosis, Andy has been there every step of the way.  I could never have gotten through this without him.

My college friend Nichole got this great t-shirt for him.  <3

Don't laugh but...

actually, go ahead.  It's kinda funny.  My radiation oncologist, when asked, didn't really have a specific cream recommendation that I should use.  He said just to make sure I use something.  I've tried several different types of moisturizers, body butter, aloe vera, hydrocortisone cream, etc while going through radiation.  They all helped but nothing has worked 100% to deal with the itching, dryness, peeling, and discomfort.  I guess that's expected.  Everyone handles this radiation differently, but for me, the thing that probably has helped the most is Bag Balm... yep, it's actually a product made for cows' utters.  It doesn't smell the best... but it's helping and that's what matters, right.

Radiation started

I started radiation on September 19.  It will be 30 rounds so every weekday for 6 weeks.  I asked the radiation therapist to take a picture so I could share it here.  This was before I started the treatment that day so the machine does move closer to my body and I do have to uncover my chest area for actual treatment.  They said they don't take naked pictures. ;-)  

Sometimes you need a break

I can say that this is the most emotional roller coaster year (2018) that Andy and I have had.  We're coming up on our 20th anniversary (together for 23 years) and this has been the most challenging of all those years.

After we dropped Abigail off at Cal Poly, we took a couple extra days coming home.  It was a nice break.  Part of me wasn't ready to come home to our "new normal" with her not here.  Another part of me wanted a little time away before radiation started...

Here's a few pictures of our slow trip home...

Something harder

I've discovered something harder, emotionally anyway, than going through BC treatment.... dropping your daughter off for her first year of college.  It's been an emotional roller coaster for all of us.  She's always been independent and I think we've done a fairly good job of raising her.  BUT... she's still my baby girl and leaving her was TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH. 

We are beyond proud of everything she's accomplished so far.... and I know it's just the beginning. 

Hair update

I haven't given a hair update lately.  I'm still very glad that I did the cold caps during chemo.  It was definitely quite a process (and expense), but it was worth it.  I'm still only washing my hair once a week mostly because I'm still losing a lot of hair when I wash it.  Because of my hair being curly, it gets more tangled than straight hair.  I think that's why I'm losing a lot of hair.  I think the hair loss is slowing down so that's good.  I look forward to being able to go back to washing it more often and styling it like normal.  It does cut down on my morning getting ready routine to not have to wash and dry it. :)

Update

Just realized it's been 3 weeks since I updated here. 

I had my first Herceptin/Perjeta (chemo light) infusion on August 23.  It took about 4 1/2 hours this time but future ones will be much shorter.  Hopefully 2-2 1/2 hours or so.  I didn't have any side effects other than feeling a little tired afterwards, but I think sitting there for that long made me tired too.  No cold caps this time- yay!  Herceptin and Perjeta don't cause hair loss so it was so nice not to have to use the cold caps.  It did make the time go by slower though. ;-)  One good thing about the cold caps (and having to change them out every 30 minutes) was that it made the time go by faster.  The next infusion is September 13.

Yesterday, I had my radiation "simulation" appointment which is essentially getting me setup in the same position that I'll be in for radiation, a CT scan, and 4 tattoo dots (2 on my chest and one on each side).  My first radiation is September 19 and then 29 more rounds after that.  It's every weekday for 6 weeks.

I've been feeling pretty good.  I still have swelling in the armpit area from my surgery.  That makes it tough to get comfortable at night so I haven't been sleeping all that well.  Hopefully that will get better.

One day at a time....

New technology in Cancer treatments

I haven't updated in a couple weeks and I will, but I wanted to share this awesome new technology:  check out THIS article in the San Francisco Chronicle.  Not only does this kind of stuff encourage and intrigue me, I know the lady in this article.  Lea is my sister's mother-in-law and she's super awesome!

Week of medical appointments

I've had four, yes four, medical appointments this week.  Most I've ever had.

On Monday, I had an echocardiogram, which is an ultrasound of your heart.  Apparently some of the chemo drugs I've had, or will have, can cause heart problems so they like to monitor your heart with an echocardiogram every 3 months.

On Tuesday, I had the consultation with the radiation oncologist to figure out the plan for radiation treatment.  I will have a simulation (aka set up appointment) on September 5.  My first radiation treatment will be September 19 and will continue every weekday for 6 weeks.

On Wednesday, I had a post-surgery follow-up appointment.  My surgeon is on vacation so I met with a different doctor.  He said the incisions and surgery locations look good.  He also let me know (which I'd already heard) that the pathology report came back showing clean margins.  I was very happy about that.

On Thursday (today), I had an appointment with the oncologist.  My original oncologist moved out of the area in July so this was the first time I'd seen this doctor.  Andy and I liked him.  I'll probably see him for at least the next 6 months.  My herception and perjeta infusions should start next week as soon as they get insurance approval.

While none of these appointments were particularly tough on me, I'm glad they're over.  Onto next week...

Surgery #2

I thought surgery would be on Thursday, but they ended up scheduling it for Wednesday instead.  I had to check in at the hospital at 10am on Wednesday, with surgery scheduled for noon.  It was a much easier process this time.  No "needle loc" or what I consider the most painful thing ever.

I got checked in, vitals done, beautiful green hospital gown on, IV in, and we waited.  I think they came and got me for surgery around 12:15 or 12:30.  I remember them wheeling me into the operating room and having me slide over to the operating table.... and then that's it.  I don't remember much after that, until I was back in my room.  Apparently the surgeon had a conversation with me, and told me how everything went, after I woke up.  I don't remember it though.

I did talk to the surgeon today and she said everything went well.  She said where she had to remove the tissue looked good.  She was also able to reduce the fluid build up which helped with my discomfort.

Now we wait for the second pathology report.  Here's to hoping everything comes back "clean."

After surgery & pathology results

Recovery from the first surgery wasn't too bad.  I went back to work the day after for a couple hours and then eased into half days after that.  I didn't have a whole lot of pain-- mostly just soreness and a tight/heavy feeling.

Pathology results were supposed to be back in 3-5 business days.  I still hadn't heard anything by Friday, August 3 so I called the surgeon's office.  Results were still pending.  On Monday, I thought I would hear something but the day came and went. 

The surgeon, Dr. Kennedy, called on Monday evening.  Pathology in the lymph nodes showed that she took 7 lymph nodes and only one had tiny cancerous cells in it.  Good news there.  The pathologist said she "probably" didn't quite get a clear margin.  Probably?!  They shouldn't be able to use the word probably! 

Dr. Kennedy, whom I trust completely, said she'd like to go back in and get more tissue.  As bummed as I was, I knew this was a possibility all along.  Several people I've talked to that have been through lumpectomy surgeries had to have what they call a re-excision (second surgery to get clean margins).  It's not abnormal.  Dr. Kennedy herself had to have a third surgery when she had breast cancer.

Dr.  Kennedy said the surgery would probably be on Thursday but she'd get it scheduled and have someone call me the next day.

I was a little upset after we got off the phone.  I didn't want another surgery.  However, as I thought about it more, I realized that I wanted to make sure that all the cancer cells or any tissue that had touched cancer cells were OUT of my body.

Surgery went well

We had to be at the hospital at 6am this morning for my lumpectomy surgery.  I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.  I don’t think it was necessarily from anxiety about the surgery... more from feeling terrible from the head cold I picked up in San Diego.

Surgery wasn’t scheduled til 10:00 but there was some things that needed to be done beforehand.  Besides normal pre-surgery stuff (getting an IV, etc), they had to do what’s called a “needle loc” in the radiology department.  It’s essentially a mammogram guided wire placement. When I had my original biopsy done in March, they placed a metal clip into the breast tumor and into the lymph node showing where the cancer was located at the time.  As was hoped, the chemo shrank the tumor down to nothing.  The surgeon, Dr. Kennedy, needed a way to see where the tumor used to be so she could remove the tissue and have it tested.  Hence, the needle loc procedure.  HERE is a link for a description if you want to read about it.

The mammogram technician came to get me about 8am.  We got all setup and the radiologist came into do the procedure.  It included several mammogram images, poking a needle into the spot where the metal clip was, and then using the needle to thread a wire into the former tumor spot.  It took the radiologist 3 tries to get it in the right spot.  Did it hurt? Um, YES!  The words I would used to describe the pain are not too lady-like so I’ll let you use your imagination.  ;-)

Once that was over, the rest was easy.  I got to take a long nap.  Dr. Kennedy took out the tissue with metal clip and that will be tested in the lab.  She also took out some lymph nodes.  All in all, surgery went well.  And now we wait.... pathology results should be back by end of the week.

I’m planning to take it easy for the next day or two...