This is real

Most people that know me well, know that I'm about as "real" as it gets.  This is a real post about how it feels to have breast cancer and go through chemo.  I try to keep up my positive attitude 99% of the time, but today, this is real... and definitely not so positive.  I absolutely hate complaining because, really, what good does it do.  However, my very wise bestie reminded me that sometimes you just need to get it out.  She's right- sometimes you need to just feel the feelings, vent and get it out so you can move on.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I haven't posted lately and I realized why this morning.  I had chemo #3 on Thursday (4 days ago) and I haven't felt good the past couple days.  Not only haven't I felt good, but I've been struggling mentally.  Maybe that's a tougher struggle.  I've been angry and frustrated that I feel icky.  I have been a little pissed that I have breast cancer and have to go through this.  I'm upset I spent Mothers Day in the hospital and missed celebrating Fathers Day.  I'm bummed I glazed through graduations and safe and sober.  I barely remember them.  I didn't get to feel the emotions that I wanted to feel.  I didn't get to enjoy it like I wanted.  I hope I didn't cheat my kids out of these milestones by not experiencing them.

Breast cancer sucks.  Chemo sucks worse.  I know we've made some huge progress with my treatment, but I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of the lack of energy.  I'm tired of my house being a disaster.  I'm tired of not feeling in control of my life.  I'm really tired of food not tasting like it's supposed to.  I'm tired of this stomachache that is ever-present.

Ok vent over.